Chaplain v. Cheerleader

Pepple pockets the remainder of the cash found in the Chandler’s purse, the carton of cigarettes, the gin, and the chocolates. All her fillings, he discovers, are cheap stainless steel.

The Chaplain, an Anabaptist, meekly chimes in as Pepple drags her off:

Sir, I think—that’s to say I hope you don’t mind if… well, one of those candy bars from that woman just before the, well—you know.

Pepple hands him a chocolate bar.

Oh, thank you very much! bows the Chaplain.

Pepple rolls his eyes and drags away the Chandler.

The Cheerleader arrives as the Chaplain finishes the bar, his mouth ringed with chocolate.

The Chaplain offers his chocolate-smeared hand, which she takes. Then noticing the slipperiness between their palms, they both recoil. The Chaplain offers his handkerchief, but in passing it, it becomes as filthy as his hands and mouth. She declines, deciding instead to run to the creek to wash up. The Chaplain agrees with the plan, and follows.

At the edge of the creek, the Chaplain stumbles and lands face down in a small bed of damp silt.

Face now dirt- and chocolate-smeared, the Chaplain climbs from the creek, sits on the grass, and sighs. And this is pretty mild compared what I’ve done in the past, he says sadly.

She asks him to explain.

When I was first with the army I was with a company of soldiers in the mountains. They were supposed to intercept an informer from a tribe that controlled that territory. They told us to keep radio silence, but on one break I accidentally sat on a walkie-talkie. Only me and another guy escaped the ambush alive.

Then they shipped me to the other war. When I was being through the city to our base, I sneezed so hard I hit my helmet hard against the dashboard. It made such a loud whack that the gunner thought we’d come under mortar fire, and he shot into a nearby crowd of women. That ended pretty badly, too.

Next they sent me to the third war. Basically, I was the one that exposed that war for a fraud. Remember the guy who tripped over the wire and fell into the stage scenery while they were filming the General's live, on-air death scene? That was me.

After that they sent me back to the first war, blindfolded me, and shipped me to our enemies as a hostage. I got along pretty well with the enemy, and so pretty soon they let me walk back to our base. Back, a team of officers beat me with sticks, then had me sent to tend an outpost up here near the Canadian border. Even though no one's an Anabaptist. And now here I am.

The Cheerleader can't believe that she's in the presence of a celebrity.

You're that guy? she screams.

The Chaplain wipes mud from his face, and nods.

The Cheerleader wiggles her hands excitedly.

They raise their guns. Their guns go off.