Showing posts with label bishop. Show all posts
Showing posts with label bishop. Show all posts

Saturday, March 29, 2008

Bishop v. Bodyguard


The rain stops. After a few hours the clouds part and the sky clears. During that period of overcast without rain yet before the clearing of skies, the Bishop wanders the field mulling over matters episcopate.

At some point he's broken from his mulling by the noise of shouting. He stops and looks north.

He watches with mild interest some activity by the wretched shed in the field, that field torn and muddy, specked with dark reflective puddles. He watches as two figures - the fat man and the frayed woman, both wearing expressions of profound discontent on their tired, pitted faces - step from the dark. They cough several times, hoarking phlegm, before the fat man slams shed door and they shamble over the slippery field due north-northeast. Their backs turned, they resume their argument. (In language largely incomprehensible, yet clearly of English derivation, possibly infected with aspects of demotic French, yet guttural and Saxon, seasoned with heavy swearing.) Thus they walk shouting until the shouting softens as they walk further, until they're no longer heard - but only seen very small on the horizon, as mites on a dog's neck.

The Bishop blinks, turns away, and continues his peripatetic meditation.

When the Bodyguard arrives, he's greeted by a shout. The Bishop calls him from a small hillock southwest of the oak. The Bodyguard is dressed in a conservative blue collared shirt, the shirt tucked into dockers, and - fitting the increasingly temperate weather - a heavy spring jacket, or a light winter coat, or neither a jacket nor a coat but an intermediary of unknown origin/label. He walks to meet the Bishop. From the minor vantage provided by the small hillock they look over the field.

They speak exactly as two good-intentioned strangers of lower middle-class origin are wont to speak when first meeting over a field rife with bones and skulls and decomposing bodies.

Beautiful weather we're having, says the Bishop.

That's for sure, says the Bodyguard.

There's a long period of silence. Both men stand in the same direction, both facing the oak, yet both looking away from the oak - one to the north and one to the south - as both wait in the hope that an either they or the other man, or both of them at once, or neither they nor the other but someone or something apart from either will speak or act.

Eventually they hear a low rolling thunder from above. Then the last mangled bits of the International Space Station arc across the clear sky leaving a trail of fire and white.

They turn to one another, both happy for a topic outside their present condition.

That was unexpected, says the Bishop.

Very! says the Bodyguard. 

They both express wonder and concern.

Then, like the sea to shore, the silence returns. Even as the echoing blast of the Station tumbles through the valley, the silence between them remains.

Minutes pass. Finally the Bodyguard, the whole time searching for an appropriate question to ask a bishop, finds one that seems to him appropriate:

Have you've blessed the dead?

Oh, says the Bishop. Well of course I plan to include them in the prayer I'll say at vespers.

The Bodyguard nods. The Bishop pauses, then clarifies:

As a bishop I try to focus my attention on the suffering of contexts. Peoples, causes, that sort of thing. Not so much specifics.

Of course.

For example, as I watched that thing fall and burn up in the atmosphere I prayed a quiet prayer to Saint Henri the Navigator, to help the spacecraft industry in this its time of need.

The Bodyguard nods.

In a matter of speaking, the Bishop says candidly, I pray less for a man than the umbrella over his head.

The Bodyguard, eager to continue, asks about those men without an umbrella.

Protestants?

Excuse me?

Silence.

More silence until, almost in unison, they decide to walk down from the small hillock and chose their pistols and take the field. Which they do. Standing ten paces apart.

They raise their guns. Their guns go off.

Friday, March 28, 2008

Bishop v. Bodybuilder

Enter Bodybuilder.

Old man! You are Ded Mozod?

No I think you have me confused with someone else.

Yes Ded Mozod! How you say... like a Santa Claus!

I'm a... a bishop.

O my God, very venerable man you are. I perform, eh - lift for you.

There's really no need.

You wait.

The Bishop waits. The Bodybuilder returns with three large stones from the creek.

Desyat' - devyat' - vosem - SEM'!

The Bodybuilder begins juggling the stones. Juggling, he sings:

God bless America, land that I love, stand beside her and guide her, through the night with a light from above.

He drops all the stones at once and bows deeply.

That was very nice, thank you.

Now final show of might.

Oh, I think the juggling was impressive enough -

You are old venerable man. I respect old men. My grandfather very old, no tooth in mouth, very like a little child. Enjoy to be lift high over head.

I don't like where this is going.

Yes! I pick you - lift high over head!

No, no thank you.

Please. For me to show.

But I believe you.

No harm to you!

I have to insist. It wouldn't be proper.

You are bashful old man. Come to Sergei.

The Bishop tries backing away but the Bodybuilder grabs him roughly by the shoulder. With one swift movement, he adjusts the Bishop, flexes, and lifts the Bishop overhead.

Please - please let me down!

The Bodybuilder begins laughing.

You are like a tall horse now!

Unable to help himself, the Bishop begins giggling uncontrollably.

Yes laugh venerable old man!

The Bishop laughs. They laugh together. The Bodybuilder gently puts the Bishop down.

That was tremendous fun.

The Bodybuilder suddenly turns very serious.

Now it is time we fight with revolver.

You wouldn't - well... consider another lift?

Please. Choose revolver.

The Bishop choses his revolver. The Bodybuilder takes the other. They take the field, standing ten paces apart. They raise their guns. Their guns go off.

Thursday, March 27, 2008

Biomedical Scientist v. Bishop

The duel with the Biochemist is just one in a long list of ignoble, humiliating events that the Biomedical Student's experienced over the past month. Yet not the worst. The worst, which he still thinks on now, and has for several days, was an ill-conceived ploy to reveal - after years of silence - his hidden love for a lab colleague.

The thought of that shame occupies his mind as he stands under the oak, gazing afield, shielded from the rain with the Biologist's umbrella. He's so preoccupied, in fact, that he doesn't notice the arrival of the Bishop.

They greet each other. After a discussion of their surroundings, each giving theories on the placement of bodies, the pyre, the weather, and so on, the Biomedical Scientists asks if the Bishop would judge his story, to determine whether he was in the right or wrong.

The Bishop, a paternal, genial man, agrees. The Biomedical Scientist tells his story, summarized here:

Nearing the end of her post-doc internship, his beloved applied to several competing biomedical firms. The day before a telephone interview with Greenglade Chemicals, a subsidiary of Argus-PanoptyCorp, the lab manager asked her to present a report on the side-effects of a medication designed to offset feelings of unbridled hopelessness (which may include sweaty palms, dry eyes, spontaneous nose bleeds, manic violence, overactive libido, uncontrollable shrieking).

Forced to spend an all-nighter preparing for the presentation, she decided to call off her interview. This is when the Biomedical Scientist stepped in.

He ran to a pharmacy, returning with a small bottle of ipecac. He swallowed its contents, then wretched violently for the next half-hour into a large blue biowaste container. Insisting that the Intern to take him to the hospital, and stay with him the night - to which the she reluctantly agreed - their manager postponed her presentation until the following week. Thus, her interview was saved.

In the car on the way to the hospital, the Biomedical Scientist - weak from the marathon vomit - explained his ruse. Then, in a sudden and sentimental display of emotion (damped only by the very persistent smell of bile on his breath), he confessed his love.

She swung the car around and drove him home to his apartment. She hasn't spoken to him since.

The end.

The Bishop blinks several times. Purses his lips. He makes as if to speak - but catches himself. A false start. Then another. He sighs, obviously thinking deeply, wondering how best to begin.

Finally, after several minutes, he asks if the Biomedical Student has been baptized into the body of Christ.

I'm Jewish.

Oh, the Bishop laughs. Well - I'm sorry, he says, but I think you'd be better off consulting a rabbi. I have references.... The Bishop takes a messy wallet out from under his cassock, rummages through a maze of business cards. Tell me when to stop, he says: Renewal, Conservative, Reform, Modern Orthodox, Karaite....

Agnostic.

Reform, good.

The Biomedical Scientist takes the card of a well-regarded reform Rabbi, pockets it, thanks the Bishop, and offers first choice of weapon.

The Bishop choses his gun, the Biomedical Scientist the remainder. They walk to the field, standing ten paces apart.

They raise their guns. Their guns go off.