Chandler v. Chaplain

The Chandler presents Pepple with proposition:

See this check? It’s for $2,500. If you can find a way to get me to town by noon, I’ll give you $500 of it, cash.

Pepple, never one to turn down a good opportunity, haggles her up to $1,000, then throws down his spade and lopes across the field. An hour later the Chandler hears honking from the road. Behind the line of poplars Pepple waves from within an old farm pickup. The Chandler strides over to the truck, gets in, and the two drive to town.

They find the bank. Unfortunately, its closed. The sign on the door reads:

TEMPORARILY CLOSED DUE TO BANK RUNS —MANAGEMENT

The Chandler tells Pepple to stay in the truck. She walks into town.

First the Chandler enters a pathetically under-stocked grocery store. Cans of sausages, condiments, powered soup stock, and processed, vitamin-enriched bread make up most of what lies scattered on the plywood shelves. She approaches the Grocer, who sits reading a paperback novelization of popular movie made from a Broadway musical adapted from a famous poem.

I’d like to congratulate you on keeping what might be the last independently owned in the state. Rustic—that’s what this is. Rustic and true, like the best of America.

The Grocer nods. The Chandler pulls the crumbled check from between her sagging dugs. Let me introduce myself, she says, I’m an independent chandler specializing in organic—

Sorry, interrupts the Grocer, we don’t cash no checks.

The Chandler leaves. She walks across the street to a fast food restaurant.

I can’t tell you how refreshing it is to see a fast food restaurant with nice full, clean grease traps, the Chandler opens. She pulls out the wrinkled check.

We don’t cash checks, hon, croaks the Fry Cook.

The Chandler leaves. She walks back across the street to a dry cleaner.

The Dry Cleaner sits on a small white stool with a shotgun slung across his knee. What you want? he demands. She unfolds the creased check.

Do you cash checks? she asks.

No, he shouts.

Then can you at least iron it?

The Dry Cleaner irons the check. While ironing, he offers her $40 for it. They eventually settle on $250. With the money she buys a carton of cigarettes, a bottle of gin, and six chocolate bars.

Back in the truck, the Chandler explains what happened, then hands Pepple $50. Pepple takes the money and drive back to the grounds. He drops her off and drives back down the road.

She meets the Chaplain by the oak. He’s collected a miniature bouquet of daisies.

They raise their guns. Their guns go off.