College President v. Comedian

The Comedian's a bald, gaunt-faced, bearded scarecrow of a man, dressed in a black jacket, black pants, black shoes, and small round sunglasses. He smokes continuously, and whines for over two hours on a myriad of topics.

The Comedian's opinions, a selection of topics elucidating:

Abortion. I believe that life begins when the child can shuffle and deal a deck of cards. That's where I draw the line. Terminate the child before he or she can deal a deck of cards and it's a lawful abortion; after and it's murder.

Life. Life is one big minefield and the only place that isn't a minefield is the place they make the mines.

War. I'm against the use of military force except as a first resort.

Violence on Television. I believe that there is nowhere near enough violence on television. For example, there's nothing wrong with the Montel Williams Show that Ed Gein and a Troy-Bilt Chipper-Vac couldn't fix. Observe how a single burst from a flamethrower adds viewer interest to this dreary commercial:

"Gee, I used to think that all denture gels were the same. That's before I discovered new--FWOOOSH! "OH MY GOD I'M ON FIRE OH JESUS HELP ME OH CHRIST AAAAAGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!"

The College president suspects plagiarism.

They raise their guns, their guns go off.