Cartographer v. Carver

Pepple wakes to a pistol aimed at his face. The Cartographer sits in the grass near where he and the fat man fell unconscious. Pepple slaps the fat man, and the fat man wakes.

I don’t know who either of you are, says the Cartographer, or what qualifies either of you for this occupation of yours—this exchange of goods for the service of disposing the dead—and I don’t care.

Pepple blinks.

You signed a contract with those that came previously. I’m neither in a position to call for or desirous of the termination of that contract, the cessation of your services. What I am desirous of is first, this ring that was owed to me by the diocese of this dueling ground as established by verbal mandate of a representative of the Holy See—

Still bleary-eyed, they see the Cardinal’s signet ring on the Cartographer’s ring finger, right hand. The hand that holds the pistol.

—and second, distance. Distance between our two parties, the duelists and the caretakers. I don’t want to speak to you, or hear you fighting, or see you nearby unless you’re performing the job my predecessors contracted.

The caretakers say nothing.

What are your names?

Pepple, says Pepple.

And yours?

Grubb, says Grubb.

The Cartographer stands and tells them to stand. They stand.

Now cart off the body on the field and leave, he says.

The Cartographer returns to the oak and the caretakers—Pepple trembling with resentment—clean the body, and return to their hideous shack to the north.

When the Carver arrives, the Cartographer stands studying the map he’s drawn on the table. I run a firm, he says eventually. But my goal is to create a to-scale map of Dayton, Ohio. A thing that's never been done.

The Carver, still wearing the white robe and tall white had he wore hours ago during the early shift at the nearby hotel, nods.

Ever since I've been young I've been thinking of ways to revitalize the profession of cartography, to usher in its second golden era.

Life-sized maps? asks the Carver.

Always been somewhat of a dreamer, admits the Cartographer.

They raise their guns. Their guns go off.

Cartographer v. Cartwright

Violence erupts over the Cardinal’s gold signet ring.

First violence within the shack: yelling, sounds of crashing, falling, objects thrown, trembling of the shack, shrieking of a woman.

Then violence outside the shack: Pepple and the fat man hit and wrestle across the dusty field, the fat man scratching Pepple’s clenched hands (within which: the signet ring), and Pepple biting the fat man’s fat hands with blackened teeth.

The fat man yells and releases Pepple.

A blunt weapon is found by the fat man. (An unearthed post.) This escalates the violence. The fat man flails the weapon madly. Pepple's hand clutches the ring. An advance is made on the part of the fat man, a retreat on the part of Pepple.

The Cartographer watches from dueling ground.

A blunt weapon is found by Pepple. (Uninterred femur, originally the Audiologist’s.) This escalates the violence.

Enter the Cartwright.

More violence between the fat man and Pepple. Pepple flags. The fat man swings. And Pepple falls.

A blunt weapon is found by the Cartographer. (Dueling pistol, gripped by the barrel.)

The fat man removes the ring from Pepple’s hand. Then rests, sits on the grass of the north field, next to Pepple's unconscious body. The fat man's chest heaves. Arrival of Cartographer, who stands behind fat man. The fat man turns.

The Cartographer swings. And the fat man falls.

The Cartographer removes the ring from fat man’s hand.

What just happened? asks the Cartwright, the Cartographer returning with pistol tucked in his belt, examining the craftsmanship of the signet ring.

The Cartographer explains. He was owed by the diocese.

They raise their guns. Their guns go off.

Cartographer v. Cartoonist

Within five minutes of falling lifeless the Cardinal’s stripped of his scarlet vestments, his fillings, signet ring, and pectoral cross. His frail naked body, pearl white and bloodless, is dumped into the pit. Sprinkled with ash. Buried atop the others, covered with two inches of damp earth.

Carrying their haul back to the shack, the caretakers fight over the signet ring. They fight over it on the way, and outside the shack, and (presumably) inside the shack.

The Cartographer bides his time by drawing monsters in the unknown regions of the map he drew for the Cardinal.

Description of monsters drawn by the Cartographer, clockwise from north: serpent entwining large black tortoise; hairy smoke-breathing dragon; squid-like being with bat wings, fleshy claws; iron robot possessed by the ghost of Heinrich Himmler.

The Cartoonist arrives dressed in black. He greets the Cartographer with an impassive expression, a weak handshake.

The Cartographer shows him his map. The Cartoonists regards the map, and it pleases him. The Cartographer asks if he might have a monster to suggest to fit the gap in the unmarked region to the northwest. The Cartoonist does. He the pen and draws a penguin holding a gun.

The Cartographer asks what he’s drawn.

One of many thieving Italians, says the Cartoonist.

They raise their guns. Their guns go off.

Cardinal v. Cartographer

The Cardinal thanks the Lord for what seemed to him a miraculous win against the Carpenter. (Overcome with the previous prayer on death, he'd clenched his jaw, arm extended, eyes squeezed tight while pulling the trigger.) Thus, since the miraculous win he can't stop turning his mind to the Book of Ezekiel, specifically --

Now let them put away their whoredom, preaches the Cardinal, and the carcasses of their kings, far from me, and I will dwell in the midst of them for ever.

Pepple and the fat man and the dog all stand, mouths open, half-asleep on their feet.

The Cardinal continues:

And if they be ashamed of all that they have done, shew them the form of the house, and the fashion thereof, and the goings out thereof, and the comings in thereof, and the forms thereof, and all the ordinances thereof, and all the forms thereof, and all the laws thereof -

Pepple groans.

- and write it in their sight, that they may keep the whole form thereof, and all the ordinances thereof -

The fat man walks off. Pepple follows.

- and do them.

The dog sits and nibbles its genitals.

The Cartographer arrives. He regards the Cardinal, who walks meditatively by the oak.

Of course I don't seriously think I'll be here for ever, the Cardinal tells the Cartographer, but there's must be a reason for these wins. I had a vision last night.

Short description of vision, as told by Cardinal: Within dream, mystic in nature, booming voice of Archangel Michael, display of 15th century statue of Virgin Mary to be set upon duel grounds, angry demand to found dioceses, church.

Short description of vision, aspects of vision left unmentioned by Cardinal: inappropriate lusting for above mentioned 15th century statue of Virgin Mary, flirtatious slap on face from Virgin when attempting to 'get fresh' with said statue, unplayful knock on head with butt of sword by Saint Michael after playful slap.

I believe very deeply, says the Cardinal, that I've been sent to nurture and lead this small flock of indigenous mountain people, and those that come to this place. Those, as I see it, who are in exile. I know now that this is my calling.

The Cartographer nods, listening politely.

As a cartographer, continues the Cardinal, your skills are invaluable to the Church in the delineation of this new diocese.

The Cartographer ponders. Finally, he offers an estimate.

I think you misunderstand. The Church needs representation, and delineation of territory. You would be doing a favor for the Church.

The Cartographer lowers his fee by 5%.

That's better, says the Cardinal.

The Cartographer goes to work. He paces off the territory, takes note of special topographical features, relevant areas, etc. Finally, after the accumulation of details, he draws the map to scale in pen on the top of the table under the oak.

The Cardinal regards the map, and it pleases him.

The Cartographer asks how the Cardinal would like to pay. The Cardinal asks him to bill the diocese.

Description of anger expressed on part of the Cartographer: significant yet muted.

They raise their guns. Their guns go off.